


Remember my name

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29100702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Just talking again





	Remember my name

There are so many things I lie awake thinking about.

I find that often when I get upset about one thing, I spiral and get upset about everything wrong in my life. That’s very much what’s happening now. 

Mostly I’d like to talk about him. I’ll call him “J” for privacy’s sake. Maybe it was because I was in a particularly vulnerable mindset when I met him, but it was like nothing I’ve ever felt. I was stupid and sad and fell for the first person who was similar to me and gave me the attention I craved. I was embarrassed that I liked him at first, but eventually it was something I was “proud” of. I would ease into conversation, we would chat occasionally and became something, not quite close friends, but something. I would do anything for him, I drew his characters, I made edits and pictures for him. But again, I was stupid and didn’t realize how small and insignificant I was. When I was in his group chat I felt it then as well. I wanted to tell him how I felt and how much joy he brought to me, I wanted to be friends with everyone there, since I had a lot of fun with everyone at one point. But I was stupid and shy and never was able to genuinely become anything to anyone. 

After my hospital visit, I was so disconnected from everyone. I had no choice but to leave the chat. I was hoping at least, maybe someone would notice and add me back, and I could be something to someone. I’m so fucking stupid. 

Shortly after, J started dating someone I knew prior, who I met around the same time as well. I feel so helpless, I’ve told myself it could’ve been me, if only I wasn’t stupid and unable to get anyone to like me. 

It’s just another person who became uninterested in me. So many people over the years so have become uninterested. I just want someone.

I’ve tried so hard over the past three years to be something else. I wanted to change my “fate” or what ever predestined life I’m living. As a person who grew up in a devout Catholic house, afab, and the youngest. I don’t have many choices. I have a “tunnel vision future” I guess, money problems and family views will decide my future. I was hoping all those years ago that maybe I could be someone else for once. So I tried so hard to make everyone like me, I tried to get followers and views, I wanted to share the things that made me genuinely happy, but I’m stupid. Life doesn’t work like that. 

I’ve watched as the only person I’ve had feelings for get attention and love from so many people ( including myself). I feel burning hot jealousy, I’m not mad, but I’ve let all those bad feelings consume me until I can’t take it anymore. 

The projects I work on, everything I say I will do, everything I say I will be is a bittersweet lie. I know I can never be that, I won’t ever be able to do that. It’s the kind of lie you say to a dying person. It’s the lie of be told myself everyday. I can’t live my idealized future, I am stuck here. I can’t do that. I tell myself that I have people who will love me as J’s group of friends/ mutuals/ followers have. 

I can’t stop being the way I am, but I will have to push my true self down. I feel like abandoning my account and focusing on pleasing the people who control my life. I won’t transition if that’s what they want. I won’t go to art school, I won’t pursue my art because we both know it’s not going anywhere. I will go to a modest school and get a modest career. I will be person I don’t want to be because it’s the only person anyone seems to like. Online and irl. 

I am unsatisfied and unhappy. I want someone who will love me the way I need to be loved. I’ve hurt myself so much, why is t there anyone to stop me ever. I feel so alone, when I want to bash my head on the corner of a counter, when I feel like ripping my eyes out and screaming at the top of my lungs to no one in particular. I’m suffocating in the endless expanse of MYSELF. I feel so fucking stupid and maybe thats why I’m so mediocre.


End file.
